Average reading time: 3-4 minutes.
I have too much respect for my penis to put it inside someone whom I don’t wholly appreciate and respect. This sentence is how a lover of mine would like to sum up my thoughts about choosing a lover (and how I choose my language). It may sound trivial, but this way of thinking had a dramatic (positive) influence on my sex life.
Respect for oneself and your partner should be obvious, but it is not: just see the way men speak and behave in porn (and how it influences the way our society tends to see sex). They make it sound like having sex is degrading, that their penises are disgusting things they use to harm, punish and humiliate someone. Of course, when used that way, it works that way. But why would we?
Our genitals are a very sensitive part, and I want to treat them accordingly. If I wanted to hurt or humiliate someone, I would use a tool that I can afford to break or contaminate with filth.
My penis is precious! It is my best source of pleasure! If I let someone touch my intimate part, it means I trust them with my life!
Therefore, contact with my penis is a gift! And I want it to feel like one. Because, on another note, when I have sex with someone, it means I want them to feel pleasure – which implies that I have respect and benevolence for them.
In my quest for improving my love life and my lover skills, I have met many people who were passionate about sex. Among them, I came across some people who were into BDSM (bondage, domination / submission, and sadomasochism)… obviously, this is not my path. But I was quite surprised to realize that they have one thing in common with me: respect. Absolute respect. Even though they seem to hurt each other, or humiliate each other, they do it in a very strict context of contract. Before any sexual interaction, they first have a conversation stating very explicitly everything that is acceptable and desirable for each of them, what they want and what they refuse, plus the “safety words” that prevents going too far. They have very strict rules about consent, and the limits of that consent (unlike what “50 shades” would make you think). Even people who will use whips and humiliation need this mutual respect, even if it doesn’t show in someone else’s eyes.
The lesson is that for any sexual interaction to be pleasant, there has to be mutual respect (even those that one could perceive as “strange”). You have to see your partner as a human being, not an object. You have to genuinely care for their taking pleasure in the interaction. And this has to do with my girlfriend’s phrase of “respect for your own penis”.
As a matter of fact, why would you want to make efforts to please someone you don’t even have basic respect for? And this is mutual - respect is mutual, and sex is an interaction. People will try to reciprocate. Therefore, the more you give, the more you will receive.
your best friend, your
precious body part, isn’t
it? So, would
precious body part, to someone
unworthy of your
Actually, I believe that in order to have the best pleasure you need to trust your partner to give you pleasure.
Some people may trust their own capacity to take pleasure whatever their partner does. But it will hardly be as good as if both participate – which many men do not know, unfortunately for them and their partners.
And really, feeling relaxed in trusting
mutual respect, is a source of so
pleasure, that once you have had a taste, you
cannot go back! I have analysed how realizing the same desire can be fulfilling or frustrating and how it can make the difference between desire and addiction - if you are interested, follow the link.
Trust and respect go hand in hand. I personally believe that mutual respect is the foundation of any successful relationship, all the more in a loving one. And that includes, obviously, the bedroom, where mutual respect is key to sexual pleasure.
The first sign of this - consideration, respect - will be your choice of language, which I covered in another article.
- What about you?
- Have you ever had sex with someone for whom you didn’t feel enough respect? How was it? Would you do it again? Why?
- Had you ever considered this question, of not trusting your penis to someone because of your opinion on them? Do you now have another view on it?