Average reading time: 6 minutes.
Today is about Orgasms, and focusing our minds towards that goal.
I will first, focus on female orgasm, what it is, and surprising things that will help achieve it, and maximize it. Then, how, surprisingly, the same tools and focus can also help in enhancing the intensity of male orgasm.
Female orgasm often requires a woman listening to her own sensations.
One thing to know is that female orgasm is very intense.
A female orgasm is overwhelming. There are several ways, different patterns, even different brainwaves depending on individuals. But in all cases, if done right, the intensity is overpowering. Pleasure builds and then flows all over your body, like an altered state of consciousness. You lose control of your body’s reactions, you lose your ability to speak, and the pleasure is no longer localised: you are overwhelmed with an absolute wave of pleasure. You become one with the orgasm. The strength of it is possibly one of the reasons why patriarchal societies have tried to suppress women’s sexuality.
However, many women never experience it. The “orgasm gap” is much wider than the media think, because many women have no idea of the intensity of what their orgasms can be like.
Reaching such highs requires trust and care. It also some skills and intention from her lover. It also requires her ability to listen to her own sensations and give in to them. Focusing on YOUR OWN sensations is usually critical, often necessary, to getting into the actual orgasm.
I don't mean being goal-oriented, on the contrary. I mean listening to every sensation, enjoying each of them, and going to the most pleasant experiences. Focusing your mind inwards, and orienting your partner towards your best satisfaction if need be.
This focus on your own sensations is NOT "selfish". Your lover will be happy to be giving you an orgasm, and for that, it is required that you listen carefully to your own sensations.
It is not selfish, it is HONOURING THE GIFT.
I have given countless orgasms to women who never had one before.
The key was to listen, to be patient, to explore, to be focused on their sensations... i.e. to be at their service. Plus, empathy. This is how I gathered a great part of my knowledge, about female anatomy, sensitive points, arousal... a lot of which is reusable, with other women – even though lovemaking is ART, not science, in art, the more knowledge and technique you have, the better you can be. But I digress.
To give my lover her first orgasm ever, I have to be at her service. This is a gift to her. I know my gift will be reciprocated, so it is hardly a sacrifice. More importantly, I enjoy giving it. I enjoy feeling her reactions to my touch and attention. I enjoy the pride of succeeding where others have failed. I enjoy the pleasure and joy that I see on the face of someone I care for. This is what making love means.
And, indeed, I need them to focus on what they are feeling, and honouring my action. It is the proper way to receive my gift.
So, both people would be focusing on the woman’s pleasure...
How is it fair?
If the woman is focusing on her sensations, and her partner is also focusing on her, doesn’t it seem unfair? Only in appearance. Because of the elephant in the room: gender and sex.
- Women are raised to be pleasers, so if they receive a gift, they WILL reciprocate. there will be no fairness issue. Every single woman I knew would run the extra mile to return the favour to me.
- Female genitals are very fragile. In the US, 30% of women report experiencing pain during vaginal penetration! Doing something to someone without concern for them can hurt them – whatever their anatomy, but more so if they are female-bodied. Especially, an early penetration and/or "Jackhammering" (as they do in porn) can be hurtful for fragile vaginal tissues. So, YES, a man does need to focus on his partner in order to not hurt her, at least at the beginning (until she is in the early stages of orgasm).
- Porn is, unfortunately, the de facto sex education, and porn is all about violence, male domination, and misogyny (at least 95% of porn is this way). So both partners need some mindful focus to not enact the toxic lessons they have learned against their will (what you see often, you learn, whether you want it or not).
- Female orgasms (bodies with vulvae) are much more intense than male orgasms. They engulf the whole body with overwhelming sensations, loss of control, etc. These orgasms usually need the woman to focus on her own sensations.
- The pleasure to give a true orgasm to your partner is amazing. Even if you are not in love, that pride alone is absolutely enjoyable
- The orgasm gap needs filling: 46% straight women claim they are satisfied with their sex life, that they have pleasure in sex. On another note, 80% young women consider a sexual encounter to be satisfying if it is NOT PAINFUL. Many women think they have orgasms, when what they achieve is a small fraction of what they can feel.
- Plus, many women have some sexual trauma, and need attention just to not trigger what other people have done to them previously - which is unfair, but factual. But, once they have taken control of their own sexuality, it will be a whole other story, and the amount of sexuality one can expect is on a whole other level – and very, very gratifying!
So, YES, it is 100% OK for both partners to focus on HER sensations to reach her (first) orgasm.
Better orgasms for men.
I have been both on the giving side and the receiving side of focusing on the other's sensation through all my relationships. But one day, one of my partners took it to the next level, and made me experience a more intense orgasm, by making me focus on my sensations while "servicing" me.
And this is the lesson for male orgasm here. Actually, anyone with any kind of body can go much higher in pleasure than one thinks – by focusing their mind on feeling each and every sensation.
Ejaculation is not equal to male orgasm. Intense pleasure coming with ejaculation is usually considered an orgasm, even though it does not come close to a female orgasm.
I have always really enjoyed sex, and especially ejaculation in the warm wet comfort of a fully welcoming vagina or mouth. I used to think that was the extent of male orgasm, and accepted it was 10% of my partners' pleasure levels.
But, with my sensitive penis, some expert action from a loving partner, and a complete focus on MY sensation, at the age of 31, I experienced overwhelming pleasure to the point of being rendered speechless and almost incapacitated (no control of anything). I can definitely call it an improved male orgasm – maybe not as intense as my partners', but it is definitely much more intense than a classic “male orgasm” (ejaculation with pleasant sensations of comfort, warmth, moisture, and intimacy). Since then, my other partners were able to reproduce it. At first, it was quite rare. But now, even though it is not possible in every interaction, and needs real intimacy (a close relationship), it is attainable, and definitely worthwhile.
As far I know, this technique can only be achieved through oral sex: I am passive, and both of us are focusing on my sensations... exactly like the way we do to achieve her first orgasms. And it definitely was possible thanks to the fact that I had been focusing on giving pleasure - it was the result of reciprocity in orgasm-giving.
And with the same technique (both focusing on my sensations), I can now reach orgasms much higher than what one could imagine from a male orgasm.
And definitely, this intense orgasm is about honouring the gift my lover gives me.
- What are your feelings on the matter?
- Have you experienced that focusing on sensations (yours or your lover"s) have an influence?
- Do you feel honoured when they focus on their sensations? And when they devote their attention to your pleasure?