Average reading time: 5-6 minutes.
Erectile dysfunction is NOT a big issue.
I do not mean that the condition does not exist, nor that it should not be treated when it is chronic. I just mean that you can still enjoy a lot of sex without an erection. And by “sex”, I mean genital pleasure!
Taking the stakes off the idea that an erection is mandatory, will actually remove some "performance pressure", and make it much easier for said erection to be available again. Half of erection failures are due to the mental pressure men feel (most of which self-inflicted).
Sex is not only about the penis, its erection and ejaculation - or, actually, it shouldn't be. And I know this sentence will bring me a lot of haters. But the day a man learns that his penis is not the only important tool for pleasure (including his own!), he can have great sex, a lot less pressure, and shared orgasms, with better intimacy. And better pleasure, including with his penis!
“But, we have been told that “sex” is a penis entering a vagina, right?”
Well, we have been told bullshit. If a woman gives you a blow job, is it sex? Yes, and there is no vagina. If you lick her vulva and clitoris, is it sex? Yes, and there is no penis involved. And if you insert your finger in her anus, there is neither one nor the other, but it is definitely sexual. So... we need a better definition. I would say that sex is sharing a very pleasurable intimate body experience.
“But, without an erection, how could I penetrate her and give her a vaginal orgasm?”
You DO have fingers, don't you? And those are very, very precise instruments. By the way, this is the perfect occasion to debunk the “size” myth: I only need one finger to give orgasms on the 4 majors keys in my booklet, including the cervix point (though this one is admittedly tougher to reach: I usually need to use my middle finger). Learn to use your fingers, and with practice, you can give major penetrative orgasms with your hands while cuddling like you can do in heterosexual sex. See the movie “Bound”(1996), or many lesbian sex scenes in movies (not porn, actual lesbian movies) if you need pointers.
“But, what about my pleasure as a man? Without an erection, I cannot have an orgasm!”
Actually, I have discovered
is not true
either! It is more difficult, and it
will not be an ejaculation
orgasm, but you can get intense, orgasmic-level
ejaculation – if your
willing to take
your best friend (your
mouth, and suck on it
gently, the waves of pleasure are really
akin to the ones
you have with a classic
easier to engulf, and she can try new moves. You do
need to be
aroused in your body and mind, though, to have your nerves very
aware on what
is happening in your
penis (usually, our
consciousness ignores this part when
is not activated). And you
need to be able to concentrate on feeling the pleasant sensation, not on the intent of making
creates tension and prevents
enjoying the experience. So, yes, it really takes some practice in "mindful sexuality".
However, this shows that if you
feel a true
wish for sexuality, and your best friend
is in a flaccid state, it can still
taken care of in such a way
you can get
true, immense pleasure
akin to a classic
orgasm. Good news right?
Of course, your partner has to be willing and enjoying it (some pointers here).
I have experienced that situation, and it was quite unexpected. I was blown speechless with pleasure (pun intended).
(Of course, you also need to have perfect hygiene, and, by the way, just like shaking your hands after washing them is not enough to make them dry, shaking your penis after peeing is not enough to remove all the urine! A stinky penis are a major reason for blow job reluctance!)
Also, for the more adventurous among you, the male prostate orgasm can be immensely pleasurable, and durable. It is obtained by anal penetration (through a man’s anus, aka “pegging”, but, once again, one finger is enough). With a movement quite similar to the one that stimulates the G-spot, you stimulate the organ that is responsible for ejaculation. It may take practice to reach orgasm this way (the sensations are unusual, so it takes some time for your conscience to listen to those sensations), but those who have experienced it often place it among their favourite.
And, on a different note, there are many practices that can be considered sexual, and that will be a source of immense shared pleasure (and intimacy, and bonding), without an erection or ejaculation. Cuddling, caresses, deep kissing, heavy petting, playing with sex toys...
“But, what about the emotional distress of the situation?”
I will not deny it, erection failure is disappointing, but it is not the end of the party! On the contrary, it is the occasion to show your value as an orgasmic lover! When it happens, don’t stop and be mad or sad. Continue with the interaction. You can still give plenty of orgasms, with your mouth and fingers. You can still share body intimacy. And, you can still enjoy penis pleasure if your partner is willing. And, if you show up to the challenge, you will definitely earn respect and value with your partner, which will make future pleasure more likely.
First, know that for women, it is usually not a big deal at all... except if the man makes it so. Women who had a couple of lovers have seen this several times. Those who know about their own anatomy know that they don’t need a penis to have pleasure. So, the real issue is how you (the man) handle it.
Many men, a majority, will act angry or ashamed and create a tense emotional moment. This will, indeed, not help with their own pressure, but it will also kill the mood for both – and maybe even make the man look childish and selfish.
If the emotions are too strong (shame, anger, frustration...), there are ways to laugh them off, or transform the occasion. My best option is to remove any issue for her, in informing her that I still have the ability to please her, and maybe asking for her help in passing though my own emotions (just mentioning it is frustrating is enough, women are usually very empathetic). Most straight women have experienced their partners having erection failure. It is not a big deal for them, especially if the man knows he can still give them pleasure, and is willing to. So if I am feeling emotional about my erection, I will tell my partner that I am willing to continue, using my fingers (she will be delighted to know that, and her own disappointment will be blown away), and I don’t even need to ask her for moral support, she will offer it and help me through my own disappointment. Or, other times, I will just go for it, don’t say anything, use my hands and give her orgasms, and sometimes those will be the source of renewed vigour for my penis.
So, temporary erectile dysfunction is really no big deal.
What about you?
- Do you have experience in giving or receiving pleasure without your best friend rising to the occasion?
- Do you have ideas about diffusing the tension or disappointment when it occurs?
Please let me know in the comments.