Average reading time : 9 minutes.
This is an answer to straight man asking: "I love receiving oral sex, but I want my partner to enjoy it too. So, how do I make it enjoyable for her?"
My answer is in 4 parts... Plus a bonus
Another word is “consent”. Respecting the other person’s wishes, respecting their feelings and preferences. Which should go without saying, but is worth mentioning.
My first advice is to never let the other person feel like they “have to” do something – and that includes showing disappointment, or trying to plead or bargain for it. I know it's hard to not show some disappointment if you desire something and you are frustrated, but the less you make it felt, the better. In any case, if she does not fancy doing it, respect her wish, and do not insist.
If she feels something as an obligation, she will never enjoy it.
This was the bad news.
The good news is, often times we don't fancy something just because we feel a pressure for it (or against it, see point 3 about the way you talk of it). Sometimes, respecting someone's reluctance is the first step to making them want to try (though there is no guarantee!).
Another good news: giving oral is often very pleasant in itself ! Many people really enjoy doing it (as long as it is chosen) - you just have to give in to the pleasant sensations. Many women do not enjoy it, because they have always felt it like an obligation, and this feeling of "chore" sucks the pleasure out of any experience.
All the following advice are for people who like it and want it to be even better, or those who would like to try but have some form of reservation.
This is extremely important. Make sure your penis smells good and looks good and appetising, otherwise it is a big "No". For that, 4 things to consider:
- Wipe your glans (meatus) after peeing. Just like shaking your hands after washing is not enough to make them dry, shaking your penis will not remove all the urine. Urine has a strong smell, and this will permeate your glans... Unappetizing. Toilet paper will absorb the last drops (be very gentle: open the foreskin, place the paper, close the foreskin, a couple of times). Smelly glans is a complaint I have heard many times from women (especially: "oh, your penis does not smell of urine, contrary to most men, that is why I told you I did not like oral and did it anyway"; and "how come so many men have a smelly penis?")
- Wash before sex. Anything that goes into a mouth should be clean. The same goes for a vagina or anus: internal organs should not be contaminated by outside bacteria. Hygiene is very important in general. (When you wash, open the foreskin and wash your glans very softly - there is a natural lubrication that may become rancid if it accumulates).
- Diet and other health habits. Your eating habits influence the smell and taste of your genital fluids, so a balanced diet is the best. If you can, you should avoid strong condiments (garlic...) in the previous 48 hours. Smoking seems to have a strong detrimental effect on taste, too.
- Body hair: preferences vary, but keep it clean! And ask what she prefers.
Your reactions to what she does, the way you speak of it, will have a huge impact on how she feels about it. And feelings will have a result in sensations.
- The way you speak of it: I like to give positive, gratifying words for sexual actions, rather than gross vocabulary which would be the default in common language. Unfortunately, the verb "to suck" has very strong negative associations: I would avoid it. So, "would you like to take me into your mouth", or any vocabulary you have designed together. I know I repeat myself, but porn has strong misogynistic overtones, so porn talk may be a deterrent to her doing something.
- The way you ask for it. Asking gently and respectfully is a must. Also, try to not expect a "yes" all the time, and accept a "no" graciously. She may want to do it today and not tomorrow - nothing is more boring than a habit, except a chore!
- Material conditions: how comfortable is she? Physical comfort can make a huge difference.
- Interaction: Does she prefer that you be active and participate? Or would she rather feel in control, and have you stay passive and surrendered to the pleasure? Does she like you to "make love to her mouth", or does she enjoy "controlling your pleasure and having you surrendered and passive while she sends you to the heavens"? These can feel very different (and some people may like a variety of interactions, so you can vary).
- Your reactions on the moment: Moaning of pleasure, words of appreciation ("you are so beautiful", "you make me feel amazing") may encourage her and make it worthwhile for her. Gestures of love and tenderness, like lovingly stroking her face during the act, will also be important in her feeling appreciated and loved.
- Giving pleasure is a huge source of power - benevolent power! And that can feel so sexy! (It is reciprocal. When you are able to give her orgasms that no-one else can, it will make you tremendously powerful and admired!). Sometimes, the very feeling of a man completely surrendering his power and control can be very enticing!
- Feedback: fellatio is sex, and sex is made together with skill and inspiration. The more you tell her what works for you, the better she will become at knowing how to make you crazy with pleasure. And the more skilled she feels, the more pleasure she will have in making a symphony of pleasure for you! Of course, that feedback needs to be done with appropriate vocabulary and tone: make her feel proud and appreciated.
- Appreciation and gratitude: she has chosen to do something for you. The way you react to this action (before, during and after) may make her want to do it again, or wish she hadn't. Showing appreciation and gratitude and admiration... that is enticing!
- There may be kinks, special desires and fantasies for either partner. Discussing them before to make the action into a fantasy come true can be enticing too...
Feeling respected and admired is important, and primordial in an act that is a bit unbalanced to begin with. Feeling sexy and desired is enticing. Those are key to making it enjoyable. Also, feeling the gratitude from a partner makes this act of love something to look forward to.
4. Reciprocity and meaning.
Let's face it: one of the pleasures of oral sex is selflessly giving pleasure. The action can be very pleasurable for the "giver", but usually it is even better for the "receiver".
Giving is enjoyable - if it has meaning; and if you don't feel used.
The more you feel like there will be reciprocity, the more you are willing to be generous - and enjoy it. So, becoming a pleasant lover, an orgasm giver, will make your partners want to reciprocate - and take pleasure in doing things for you. If you appreciate someone, you will want to make them happy. And the more efforts they make for you, the more you will have that impulse.
There is a caveat here: women often have a keen sense for "inauthentic" giving. If I am trying to buy her off, if I am "generous" with a self-serving intent, and I want her to be in debt and therefore compelled to serve my pleasure, that will ruin everything. Sex is an act of love, and sincere generosity. Anything that makes it feel like an obligation will be a huge turn-off! It would transform the pleasant, generous act of giving pleasure into a chore, and therefore, kill the pleasure of giving (it would also build resentment, which is bad for the relationship).
Giving is, in itself, a huge source of pleasure and happiness.
Giving a gift, being charitable is a source of joy for the giver, if they feel it makes sense to their life (this is why it feels so good to work with a charity).
So when I speak of reciprocity, I don't mean "quid pro quo": I mean, if you are genuinely generous with her, and willing to make her happy and orgasmic, because you care, she will want to make you happy.
I once had a casual lover. After our first night, she was very excited to have sex with me again, and explore our fantasies and experiment together. I spoke to her of male multiple orgasm. She jumped at the occasion and asked how she could do that for me. I told her it was kind of difficult to learn, and took some effort, and she said "So what? You gave me amazing orgasms, I want to please you! Even if it takes some effort!"
She learned how to give that to me, and she confessed she enjoyed it tremendously, also because she felt that she had a power that few people had: making me speechless with pleasure. That kind of pride is a rare pleasure!
The more you are enthusiastic before doing something, the more you are likely to enjoy it.
Which makes it all the more important that there is no pressure, no sense of obligation, no underlying bargain.
And, the more you like what you are doing, the more you can make it pleasant for your partner - both by building your skills and by putting your heart and inspiration into it. So the more she enjoys what she is doing, the more pleasant it will be for you.
This is also a core concept in the whole concept of Orgasm Lovers: reciprocity in pleasure makes both of you more expert at making it enjoyable for the other.
And the more she sees how pleasant it is for you (and how grateful you are), the more she will feel the desire to do it, and exert that benevolent power.
Just what I say all the time:
It takes skill to give orgasms, but learning and training is so pleasant that you don't feel the effort!
5. A special note for oral givers...
Our mouths are erogenous zones and organs of pleasure.
Sucking, licking, tasting, swallowing, is pleasant in itself (unless you have a trauma around it).
So if you are going to "give" oral sex, the first thing to know is that is will be pleasant. And you should always be doing it a such a way that it is pleasant for you!
Follow your inspiration & pleasure
Of course, you should always listen to your partner and see that they enjoy it. However, following your inspiration and pleasure may very well be a key to giving amazing pleasure to them.
As in most things sexual, the more you enjoy it, the more your actions will be pleasant.
Do not try to follow a pattern you have learned, especially on porn (porn rarely gives good advice on giving pleasure, including for men!).
Plus, often times (especially for straight people), the "receiver" does not know exactly what types of strokes will make us tear the sheets in pleasure. So your inspiration may very well make your partner amazed at discovering new sensations they had never expected!
The throat orgasm?
The mouth is full of sensitive mucosa; it also contains some erectile tissues in its back, especially the soft palate and opening of the throat.
Just like the mouth is in itself an organ than can feel intense pleasure and desire, some people can even feel an orgasm through oral stimulation.
Apparently this is a phenomenon that can happen when the whole body is aroused. I mean global arousal, which takes quite a lot of pleasure and stimulation and desire, usually it can only happen after one or more hours of love-making and orgasms. Then, the throat tissues will also become engorged and more sensitive. Therefore, a pleasant stimulation, like a penis stroking at the bottom of your mouth (if you like that!), can make a surge in desire and pleasure, and lead to a local orgasm. Apparently this happens mostly with deeper mouth stimulation.
Few people that I know have experienced it, but some have. It really only happens to people who enjoy the sensation of sucking, people who also are aware of their sensations, and with a long-lasted mix of pleasure and arousal.
So this is not a "magic button", and it is rather advanced, but it can happen to you... if you are into it!
Please tell me of your experience in the comments, and tell us if you have any other tips and tricks!