Average reading time: 8 minutes.
I have been studying sexuality and how to give orgasms (and better orgasms) to women for more than 30 years - since the age of 15. I have given their first "whole orgasm" to most of my lovers. It is not a superpower: I was lucky to have good teachers, and I studied with humility and empathy.
Yet, as expert as I may feel, there is one condition without which it would be impossible for me to give complete orgasms to my lover: I need her to guide me! I know many techniques, specifics, anatomy, arousal, and I know many things that most women do not know about their own bodies and possibilities. But if those are to be useful, I absolutely need her to inform me, every single moment, how she feels, if what I am doing is working for her, what adjustments she needs.
It is a dance: I may be the lead dancer, but her sensations and feedback are the music. (Actually, the "leader role" shifts from one to the other regularly). If I applied my techniques blindly, without her feedback, not knowing what she is feeling, it's as if I played tennis (or dance) without seeing where my partner is: I am doomed to miss the mark. This is the part where I agree that "you are responsible for your own pleasure": if you don't help your partner understand what you are feeling, they cannot adjust it to make it better.
But getting appropriate feedback is not as simple as it seems.
Please be my instructor.
So, there it is. Every time I meet a woman, and expect us to make love, I tell her that I want truthful feedback all along the way - and reciprocity, and her to take the lead whenever she wants. I usually don't need to make it a formal request, but I think having one template in mind may help. It would go something like:
I want to make love with you. And, not just today: for many months to come. And I want you to enjoy it. Every single time. I know that you are a unique person, and I am not a telepath. So I need you to guide me. I cannot do it without you.
I know that few women enjoy complete orgasm, but I know that most of them CAN.
I want to give you the gift of pleasure. And I need you to help me in that. I know that you are unique, and that some things may be enjoyable for someone else and not for you. I also know that you are a human being, and that your sensations may be shifting from time to time, and that what was pleasant to you yesterday may not be pleasant tomorrow. So I will need you to keep me informed of your desires, sensations, feelings.
Please, don't fake pleasure with me. I know that ALL women do it, and I know it comes from a good intention. But my self-image is not that fragile - at least, I am willing to face a bruised ego to become a better lover. You will do me a better service by helping me grow and learn than by sheltering my pride.
I need your guidance. Take the lead whenever you want. When I am touching you, I will do my best to use the best of my abilities - and the more guidance I have, the faster my abilities will grow. Give me as much feedback as you can: on the spot, and in dedicated conversations. By telling me what you like and what you would like to modify, by showing me where or how to touch, by drawing a doodle, by refusing what displeases you even if I desire it, by moaning or groaning, by moving - whatever it takes: the more information I have, the better I will be.
Every instruction you give me, every time you tell me "higher, lower, softer, faster, slower, harder", every single time, you will be giving me a gift: the tool to make me a better lover for you, the manual to make our relationship stronger and more durable.
To me, it is not a question of power, or teaching, or directives. It is giving me the roadmap and signals to guide my path to mutual fulfilment. It doesn't make me a subordinate, it gives me the power to make you happier. And that is the power I want.
Please, never tell me you like something if you don't. Don't do something if it is unpleasant.
And don't assume I know. I am no telepath. Even better, let's never assume that either one of us knows something for sure about the other. Our tastes will change. Let's give each other updates on them, and reevaluate our preferences from time to time.
So, please, show me, give me the means to navigate your body - and since your body is living, please give them to me each time it's relevant. Do you understand my request? Will you do that for me? Can you promise me to be truthful all along? Thank you.
That is the mindset. Now, to make it into practice... it's a whole other matter!
2. Let’s talk about sex baby... How to talk about what you are doing together?
Now that we agreed to give instructions and feedback... we need to agree on HOW! Vocabulary about sex can become a huge problem, that I encourage you to anticipate.
- Some words have several meanings, and may be confusing.
- Few words speak of sex in a “positive” way: most sound dirty or violent or demeaning. Some people like “dirty talk”, but for many, feeling disrespected is a huge turn-off.
- Most words come associated with emotions and judgements - and if said association is disgusting, they will be a turn-off. Many words, most words used in Porn, will evoke scenes and scenarii that you will have seen previously... and that evocation may change the mood for you... or her.
- Many words come associated with personal emotional memory, that may differ from person to person. Some words have a soft and tender overtone for me, and a brutal overtone for you; or a sexy evocation for you, and a disgusting one for me.
- On a side note, I think that some people may just have reservations with certain practices because they feel they would be degrading, only because of the language used... “Sucking my dick” may not feel the same as “being the queen of my pleasure”
I have encountered that issue with several partners with whom I was having sex for the first time, and sometimes it was quite embarrassing.
Once, I was with a romantic partner doing some soft sexual things. I wanted to give her directions or indications – but the only words I knew to explain it were used in hardcore porn, and I did not want to give her that feeling. So, either I killed the mood, or had to completely waive giving her directions! That is a bad choice!
Therefore, I encourage you to talk with your partner about... vocabulary!
Step 1: Choosing basic vocabulary beforehand
First, there is a question of genre. Literally. Some people like “dirty talk”: provocative words make them feel in the mood for sex, and they like crude language. Others may find it demeaning, and some expressions may be a strong turn-off. It is important to know it beforehand, otherwise the bed scene may be a sad one! And it can be surprising: some people like acting very sexual but with nice words, some like rough talk with very soft action...
Second, share your and her "turn-on" and "turn-off" words. If the word “dick” is offensive to me, using it will kill the mood. If the word "ass" sounds sexy to me, you may want to use it to raise my arousal. It is important to know which words are OK or not. And know them beforehand! If I use a word that is insulting to you, the intimate party is likely over - one slip of the tongue, and you are in the shit.
Then, there are some specific words that may evoke a mood to you. It is nice to share them and explain it. "Do you like this word?" "Hearing this word makes me feel comfortable / romantic / horny / dirty / sexy..." And listen to your partner’s preferences. The mood may vary during a sexual encounter, and you may adjust your vocabulary to how you want your partner to feel. To take the opposite example, if you are playing a BDSM scenario, you may avoid words that sound romantic.
The evocative power of words can be a huge ally (or enemy) to your sex life... And it’s better to know beforehand.
Step 2: Creating an “instructions manual”
Then, there is the question of specifics. You may want to have conversations, right after sex, to teach and learn what specifics were good or bad... or to name some moves!
Saying “harder”, “slower”, “more upwards”... You may have to explain to each other in more precise terms. There are so many variables to take into account. Does “slower” mean a slower movement, more intervals between actions, or delay the action altogether? Do you want my hand to be higher or my penis?
Maybe sometimes you will lack the proper vocabulary altogether to designate some specifics. Then, you may find the need to discuss: “how do I ask you to do this thing in such and such way during the act?”
Or sometimes there may be a need for communication in a way that doesn’t kill the mood for your partner. A friend of mine had a partner who had an issue with authority; and hearing instructions made them cringe (and kill the mood). They had to have a conversation to just create code language in order to circumvent that. “I like your X or Y” would mean “please do more of this or that”.
Creating your own secret language can be very sexy and romantic (and allow for private conversations in public!) It can also be useful on the moment: the fewer words you have to actually pronounce, the less distraction you risk. So, yes, giving a name to a specific move, creating shortcuts, words or phrases that are specific to your relationship can be fun and useful.
And, learn. Action is the best teacher, you learn 10 times better what you say than what you read, and 3 times better what you do than what you say. So, by having these feedback conversations together, and showing the gestures, you will get better every single time and learn.
I wish you happy learning.