Average reading time: 7 minutes.
Sodomy is a fantasy for many of us. However, for many, it remains a fantasy, or a one-time, painful, memory. 72% of women report physical pain during anal sex. Unsurprisingly so: there are technical secrets that most of us do not know, and many physical and psychological precautions to take in order to make it possible, painless, and pleasurable.
Preparation, preparation, preparation: it’s a kind of magic.
A human anus can be penetrated, and feel a lot of pleasure - or pain - in the process. Actually, it has many similarities with a vagina... and some important differences.
Anal penetration requires generous lubrication, and it does not produce its own (and, I repeat, saliva is NOT a good lubricant!)
But there is also a need for the muscles to relax, and then to stretch, in order to be able to receive a magic wand (penis, dildo, or even finger!).
That takes a series of 2-step stages:
- Relax muscles – that needs psychological relaxation, and the time for the connexion between brain and muscles to register.
- Stretch muscles in order to prepare for action – which also takes some time stimulating the sphincter muscle into expanding and dilating and stretching.
When the local muscles are relaxed and begin action, then the nerve endings can register pleasure, and that will reinforce relaxation, and stretching.
If properly prepared and aroused, the anus muscles will even have some reflex action, including suction, contracting and stretching, which will make the sensations more pleasant for both.
Warning: there is a SECRET SECOND DOOR !!!
That is a little know fact, and a very important one in preventing PAIN!
There is a first sphincter at the entrance (the anus). There is a second sphincter about 4-6 centimetres after the entrance (1.5-2.5 inches). The part of the colon between “door 1” and “door 2” is often called “the anal bubble”. This sphincter can be felt with a finger when preparing (see part 4).
This “second door” needs relaxing and gentle stimulation as well as the first one. Otherwise, even if the first entrance is open, the host will feel pain deeper in the colon, and that will ruin the whole thing. This pain can even cause some reflex reactions such as the "first door" contracting abruptly and... a trip to the hospital with an embarrassing story.
Fantasies, desires and reservations – respect yourselves!
Before you do anything sexual, you should make sure that BOTH partners are not only willing to do it, but really desire it (enthusiastic consent). Please avoid the trap of mistaking fantasies for actual desire (for more on that suibject, see my article about kink experimenting):
- Some things are “pure” desire. I want to do them, I am pretty sure I will enjoy them.
- Some things are a kinky desire / fantasy. I would like to try them, plus they have a deliciously exciting feeling of “forbidden fruit”... and I think I may like it, but I’m not sure.
- Some things are “pure” fantasy: it arouses me to think of it when I’m alone, but if they happened in front of me they would make me retch. They are a way for my brain to cope with my old traumas. These should never be enacted.
Be sure that both partners are very conscious of where each one is on this scale – and respect that initial state. So you should definitely talk beforehand about the way you envision the practice. I also advise reading my article about kinks (follow the link).
Plus, there may be “taboos” and reluctance:
- Especially for men (cis men) there may be a “masculinity” reluctance about being penetrated. That has to do with the way society represents masculinity. There is a myth that a desire to be penetrated is “gay”. It is NOT gay. Feeling anal pleasure does not say anything about your identity, or your attraction – I have met men who are not attracted at all by men, but who have their most intense orgasms by being penetrated. And gay men who do not enjoy those sensations.
- However, knowing that these reservations are unfounded does not always make them go away from one’s brain! Sometimes, this knowledge is enough to take the plunge, sometimes it takes some time for the mind to accommodate, and sometimes it' much harder to get rid of our conditioning. Respect yourselves!
- There can be hygiene reservations. Enemas can help, but they should not be done too often (twice a month is usually too much). In any case, respect yourselves!
- For both, there can be an association between anal and “dirty”, or between being sodomised and being “humiliated”. Make sure that both are on the same page on this matter. Some people fantasise about humiliation, others don’t – and you should never force yourself or your partner (otherwise it is abuse or even rape). A mismatch between one’s desire and the way it is enacted can really ruin the moment, or even lead to serious trauma. Respect yourselves!
OK, so how do we relax and stretch those sphincters?
The first part is... psychological.
It has to do with the mutual desire to try it, the way both fantasise and envision it. From there, desire will rise and build with the trust between the two partners, with the experience of mutual pleasure... And, then, there is the current interaction and the building of desire and arousal – situation, “foreplay”, previous shared pleasure and orgasms... It is important that both partners be desiring and aroused before any sexual interaction, and this one in particular.
Once everybody is confident, desiring and aroused, there is specific physical preparation:
- First, massage gently the entrance; caress it gently with your finger and lubricant. This will awaken the nerve endings, and tell your system “something sweet is happening here”.
- Continue massaging softly, adding lubricant as you see fit (it should be slippery), WITHOUT trying to penetrate with your finger.
- Let the finger near the entrance with very tiny movements of caressing and massaging. At some point, like a miracle, you will feel the door opening and sucking your finger in. The invitation is very explicit; there is a definite sucking motion. Don’t try to force it or hasten it.
- Practice slow and gentle back-and-forth motions with your finger, get out and back in, and repeat the massaging several times, until you feel the sphincter completely relaxed and welcoming.
- Then, introduce your finger deeper into the “bubble”, until you reach the second door.
- Repeat process with the second door: massage, gentle stimulation until you feel it open.
Depending on the individual, their experience with pleasure, their confidence in themselves and their partner, their psychological associations, and their digestive condition (!), there can be great variation in the time and efforts it takes to open BOTH DOORS. Some people have an easy first door and a shy second door, and some have a shy first entrance and a confident inner gate.
If it is your first time, you may have to repeat the process during several sessions, before you can actually go to the point where something as big as a penis can be introduced there.
4 types of anal orgasms
There are 4 types of anal orgasms:
- Entrance orgasm. The area around the anus (first door) is very rich in nerve endings. Just stimulating there, when you are in a state of deep arousal, can be so pleasurable and exciting it can be in itself a source of orgasm. That can happen to either male or female receiving partner.
- Psychological orgasm: you are accomplishing something that is a fantasy, probably a kink, feeling intense sensations, and a moment of deep connexion with your partner. That may be enough for those sensations to overwhelm your nervous system and lead you to an orgasm.
- K-area orgasm for female bodies. There is a very sensitive area, on the wall that separates the vagina from the colon. It is usually about 3-5 cm (1.3-2 inches) deep in the vagina, 4-6 cm (1.6-2.4 inches) into the colon – it may vary from individual to individual. This area can generate intense orgasms, if massaged and gently stroked the right way. Deep anal penetration can also stimulate the H area (near the cervix).
- P-area orgasm for male bodies. The prostate is the organ where semen is actually produced (spermatozoids are produced daily in the testicles, then sent to the prostate, where they mature for several days, and are kept in the seminal liquid produced locally, and the result, semen, is delivered from the prostate at the orgasmic moment). Massaging the prostate can produce deep orgasms, and sometimes the penis will even gently expel some seminal fluid in the process. The P area is usually 7-10 cm deep (2.8-4 inches), after the “second door”. You must press towards the front of the body (towards the bladder), with your finger hooked, similarly to stimulating the G area.
- A male body having a prostate orgasm is a physiological response to the stimulation of the gland responsible for ejaculation. Nothing “gay” or “feminine” about it, on the contrary. If you feel it, it does not mean anything about who you are, or who you are attracted to. It just means that you are able to feel your prostate, which is intrinsically a male organ. No shame, on the contrary, it means you feel your own maleness! Have fun.
- If you are a heterosexual male, the P spot can be reached and stimulated with your partner’s fingers if they are long enough – but you may want to try it with a strap-on in order to experience a “reversed role” situation, which can be very fun and exciting, and enhance your mutual understanding and intimacy... if you are willing to try.
- Both deep anal orgasms often take some acclimatization before they are really possible to be felt. The brain has to be able to read the signals from the nervous system transmitting the intense pleasure. The first times, you may feel something “weird”, and then, explode in incredible orgasms. And of course, they are usually not instantaneous, and require many minutes of stimulation (even if desire and arousal are there).
- I recommend NOT using vibrating toys on the prostate before you have experienced the P orgasm without vibration. If your first prostate orgasm is obtained through vibration, you will have a very hard time feeling it without them (habituation effect).
That was "all you need to know about sodomy for everyone" – the Orgasm Lovers way.
If you have any questions, comments, or if I forgot something, please let me know.