Average reading time: 4-5 minutes.
I talked before about the importance of verbal communication when it comes to mutual sexual satisfaction. Some of you may have a hard time “breaking the taboo” and actually speaking their minds and know what questions they should ask. This is about the actual sentences you could use, or inspiration about your own.
Questions to ask before having sex (late stages of dating) :
If you want to maximize your pleasure, you should ask about what the other person likes and wants, and tell your own. Just like a game, setting the rules beforehand makes it more enjoyable. Here are some sample questions (feel free to pick some and leave others, add your own...):
“What kind of language do you like when it comes to sex?”
“Are there words or phrases that turn you on? Or off?”
"What words do you prefer to use to talk about sexual organs? I like to refer to our genitals as “the heart”, you know, as they are the organs of love"…
Mention your “trance words” - the words you like to use, the ones that turn you on, and the ones that displease you and should be avoided. Learn THEIR trance words and use them. Some people like “dirty talk” - I don’t, I tend to avoid words that seem to demean a person, their body parts or the actions we are doing. Knowing your partner's preference, and adapting to each other, will be tremendously helpful for your relationship.
“Is there something that you would like to do with me?” “Are there areas of your body that are particularly sensitive, in a positive or negative way ?” “Would you like me to kiss your heart?”
“My feet are very ticklish and I don’t like being tickled. Are you ticklish?”
“Do you prefer being caressed with feather-light touching, do you like strong touch, hands enveloping your body?” (Actually, you should do all of them and alternate, but such a question will give you an indication as to whether you should insist on either…).
“My ears are a very erogenous zone. What about yours?”
“If the occasion rises, I would love to climax inside your mouth, but only if it is OK for you. Is it something you like or not?”
Turn-ons and turn-offs:
“I have a fetish with feet, and I love high heels.”
"I love it when you are dressed in red...”
"I am really turned on by lingerie, and I find lace and stockings very arousing."
"Is there any practice or fetish or sensation you specifically like? Or one that you would really like to try?"
Smells can influence your arousal. It's a delicate subject, so if you are afraid to offend your partner /date, the best scenario is giving the information inside a short story you lived with someone else in your past: “a friend of mine told me she was very aroused by her partner's natural smell, even when he is a bit sweaty. She felt a bit ashamed of it, and didn't know how to teller date. To me, there is no shame to have, it's just a preference. I prefer the smell of perfume, for instance I like (example), but not (example). What's your preference? What are the smells that turn you on?”
There is also an important question that is kind of separate from the others: “is there something that you really don’t like, that turns you off, hurts you or disgusts you ?”
Sometimes, for some people, there are some practices that we refuse at one time, due to a bad experience - either lived personally, or seen in porn, or told by a friend. The list of “banned” and “OK” practices can change over time. A negative image can be overcome with trust, patience and discovery - over time. But knowing those "no-gos" is important to avoid a major faux pas, and of course, you should never, ever try those without prior invitation.
Actually I had several cases of women stating they refused some particular practice, and eventually they did it anyway - the same evening! They felt it possible to experiment because I had accepted their boundary with grace and respect. See also this article about fellatio.
Special bonus advice: don’t begin with this question about boundaries, and don’t end with it. Ideally, it is something that you should have covered some time before the interaction: it will build trust and the feeling of being respected.
Of course, during these conversations about sex, LISTEN, and give your partner time to think their answers and to talk about their preferences. The more she talks, the better you will be able to know what to do and how to pleasure her. And, as a side benefit, the more she will feel understood, respected, and trusting, and therefore inclined to relax in your arms - and feel pleasure.
The power phrase to bind them all:
There is something else you can tell her, and I strongly advise you to, though it can seem very hard to say: “please, I have something specific to ask from you. Please, by all means, don’t fake it. I am trying to learn and improve my skills. I ask you, because I trust you, do not mislead me by telling me I am doing right if I am not. Instead, help me improve, give me cues and clues, so that I can become a better lover for you.”
You can harp on around this, but the message is :
- I know women fake pleasure (and I know it’s hard to tell)
- I know it comes from a place of good intentions
- I ask you not to do that
- Because I want to improve my skills
- You can help me improve
- And my will to improve is because I care for you.
This doesn’t fit with the traditional image of a dominant male. It is, however, proof of your true superiority: you know you can improve, and you are not afraid to put your ego in danger. It is true power. And she will thank you for it. And respect you for it. Even though it may look like a risk at the moment for your self-image in the male dominated world (and it is, this is why it will show true power). In fact, it will actually prevent you from being the object of laughter in conversations between women (they do laugh at men’s incompetence), and on the contrary be a source of pride.
Asking her to show you what she likes:
- proves that you are one of those who know that pleasure differs from one person to another,
- it shows that you know that men do not know much about female sexuality,
- and it will show that you care for her.
All those will put you in the “happy few” category of good lovers, those who know that you can improve - and that is showing true dominance.
If you want more on this subject, and especially for long-term relationships, see this article about building the instruction manual of your common sex life.
Your unique input:
- What would be your favourite questions to ask, or preferences to mention in the early stages? I am curious! Please let me know in the comments.