Average reading time: 5 minutes
I have always been keenly aware of the disadvantages of being a woman – they seem obvious to me. However, I used to be prejudiced against men, and that has changed. I used to judge men for not being able to understand women, especially sexually.
A few years ago, a girlfriend of mine told me after our first night together: “Please, you have to teach men what you know”. I took it as a compliment (and it was, obviously) but she was serious. For her, I had skills, which could be learned and taught. That was a change of perspective for me.
The idea came to fruition when I discovered some “women’s locker room chat”.
TW: mockery.
Once upon a time… I was working as a retail makeup artist. I arrived for lunch in the office kitchen. A dozen of my colleagues were there – all of them, women. A couple of them were having a conversation about their love lives, and one of them was saying: “I am so in need of sex at the time. I don’t want love, I don’t even want a boyfriend, I just want to find some man and fuck.”
I decided to try and I chime in: “Why are you looking for a man for that? Men have no clue about sex, they are useless!”
The results were far beyond my expectations. I thought at least some of them might question my authority in the matter. After all, I was known as a straight man – and I did refer to men as “them”, not “us”. I expected at least a snide remark as to “you think you’re better?” There was no such thing.
Instead, it was an uproar of approbation and laughter: “OMG you are SO right!” “It is so true!” “They suck so hard!” “Oh you don’t know the beginning of it!”, and so on, and so forth. All of them joined in the conversation, all of them adding to the prosecution. One of them went with “That’s why I renounced them altogether”… It was all the more amazing that the dozen women here were a wide sample: their ages ranged between 19 and 50, some were Christian, Jew, Muslim, and Atheist…
After a few minutes of this undisputed consensus about the uselessness of men in sex, I decided to chime in once again with another probe:
“So how do you teach them? How do you make them better?”
The answer was unanimous: “we don’t!”. And this time, they were looking at me as if I had just asked the most stupid question ever. I had come on as someone who knows (what men don’t), now I was showing that I did not know (what women do). That was getting sad, but I investigated some more.
“Don’t you tell them when they fail?” Again, it was an unanimous “no”, and once again, laughter.
They were laughing AT men – at men who don’t know how to give them pleasure, and cannot tell women are faking it. I had to know: “why?”
“Because we can’t! It would hurt their feelings too much”; “we don’t want to get them upset”; “they never had a complaint before, so criticizing them would be breaking up, and if you break up you don’t want to be rude”. “That would be antagonising, and further, they wouldn’t believe us”. One even told me: “you never know, if it’s the first time, you can’t be sure how a guy really is. And if he feels insulted, some of them might get violent! Better safe than sorry. So if he’s bad, I just shut up and wait, fake it, and never call him back”
Then they began telling of their bad experience with men, mostly between them, not really minding me. After all, I had shown both my knowledge of the situation, and my ignorance of how it is handled.
I eventually left the room, feeling very sad, both for women who don’t enjoy sex, and for men who couldn’t satisfy them, and are the laughing stock because if their incompetence.
All in all, everybody loses.
I think this was the moment I felt that my ex-girlfriend was right, that I had to do something for my human brethren – of both genders.
In the past, I had had many, many intimate conversations with many women. From what I have gathered, it seems that very few men are really competent in bed (less than 9%, and the more I investigate, the more I think this figure is inflated); a big minority (about 1/3) are not unpleasant but lack skill, and a majority are terrible, which ranges from boring to physically painful (their partners try to end the interaction as quickly as possible). And lesbians don’t seem to have this issue. So the problem resides in heterosexuality. On men not knowing how to do things.
I used to feel superior to those +91% of men. I used to despise them. I used to think that being a good lover was a matter of intention and attention, so I would pity women and blame men for being selfish. That was a comfortable view of the world. It would make me some sort of a “saint”, the one who has enough respect and listening to be a good lover.
Well, actually, I’m not a saint. I am just lucky.
My first lover taught me a lot of skills. She taught me some knowledge about her anatomy, her arousal, her preferences, and the clues to watch for. She taught me how to listen. She taught me how to explore together (plus, I didn’t have the bad teachings of porn to impose violent misogynistic fantasies in my sexual brain). Without realizing it at the time, I learned a lot, and I learned how to learn.
I liked it so much that it didn’t seem like learning, but it was. Like any form of art, sex is about listening, caring, and learning, in every order. I learned. I listened. I cared. And I still do.
And I want to share this knowledge, those skills, with you, to give you access to the wonders of shared true orgasm.
My questions:
- Have you experienced women making fun of men’s incompetence? Does it surprise you?
- Have you known women to “fake it”? Are you certain that you could tell if your partner was faking it?
- Have you experienced a woman’s orgasm? Do you want to have / or give more of those?
- Do you know a woman to have left a man just because he was “useless in bed”?