Last updated on March 12, 2022

Average reading time: 12 minutes.

My latest post was about Kink, and knowing if exploring "forbidden" desires is a good idea for you. Basically, "kink" is exploring either pain or power play in your actual erotic life - or take pleasure in practices that most other people will find unpleasant.

It is very important to distinguish our "imaginary" erotic life (fantasies) and our "actual" sexual life (desires)! If you have not read my article "do you need kink to enhance your sex life", you should probably do it now before going any further. Not all our fantasies are actual desires. On the contrary - many are our nightmares. So the common media trope "if you are not satisfied, just try to add some kink" is dangerous. Kink will enhance your satisfaction only if it is your actual desire. Enacting practices that are NOT an actual desire will not only be painful, but may even be traumatising - and may harm the relationship.

So once you have identified that; if you do want to try some kinky stuff,  how do you actually do it?

 

1. Information, preparation, safety.

The first (obvious) thing is to talk about it with your partner. Expose your fantasy, and see what they want to explore. I have already told how to talk about your likes and dislikes before sex: in the case of kink this is more mandatory.

In the current article you will find specific tools to frame kinky role-play (I will also develop another general article dedicated to specific desires and requests, including opening to a new kinky dimension).

The second is to get information about what you want to play with. Basic roleplay is harmless, but if you want to play impact or bondage, there are quite a few skills to master, and a number of physical safety rules to take into consideration. If you try to play with something, without having tried the tools and learned about the risk... well, you are at risk of harming yourselves. Hospital emergency rooms are full of failed attempts at kinky sex!

The third is to learn the skills and how the tools work. Learn with people who are experienced. And I really mean WITH: they will show you how to do things safely. Reading (or watching video) is not enough.

Most practices need some training in order to be safe and fun - and a lot of relational and physical safety. "50 shades" and the following media tropes have done a lot of harm to couples trying things without setting proper boundaries, honing skills, and understanding fantasy Vs desire. Many people have been physically injured or psychologically hurt by trying stuff without proper learning and framing.

Important note on Safe Words:

  • Safe words are a tool to gauge when things touch on limits, and for exploring those.
  • However, they do NOT replace caution, mindfulness, awareness, and prior establishing of your practices' boundaries.
  • Some situations do not allow forwards to be pronounced (gags, oral sex...)
  • Sometimes pain can be so intense that you are speechless, or some traumatic reactions may make one freeze.
  • So beware that safe words are NOT an absolute guarantee and should NOT be your only tool for safe play - mindfulness and awareness are even more important.

 

2. Impact play and other "pain" fetishes.

For anything "physically kinky", the basic rule is "try it on yourself before doing it on a partner". If your partner is into pain and you are not, you should try it softly, as a simulation (with a lot less force). But you should do it anyway, to have an idea of what you are doing, and adjusting your moves - and have an idea of how much difference in sensation a difference in movement can make.

Bondage: try it on yourself beforehand on a "neutral" place (where being unable to move is not dangerous) - tie the knot, try to move and break free, see how it feels. Many sex toys shops and store have some restrictive gear designed for comfort (with wide leather and soft materials areas to restrict movement without risk). If you want to go with ropes, beware: some ropes will leave bad burns on your skin, or worse, create a tourniquet and prevent blood flowing... with dire consequences. Please make sure you get in touch with an association or such before trying shibari or similar bondage. 

Impact play (spanking, paddles, floggers, crops...), there are 4 main factors that will change the way it feels:

  • Material: the harder the material, the harder it will feel. You should begin with softer materials and more flexible items. Some toys might be deceptive! Try them yourself before trying them on your partner. 
  • Size: the more surface enters in contact with the skin, the less it will sting. So, a crop is much more painful than a flogger or a paddle, and a simple wooden stick can be very painful.
  • Body area: some are, obviously, more fragile than others – and some are plain dangerous to hit. Especially, joints and genitals are extremely fragile and dangerous to play with! The more muscle mass, the safer it is, the closer bones are to skin, the more dangerous.
  • Speed: actually, this one will accumulate a lot. The energy increases in proportion to the square of the velocity. Also note that the length of the tool (and movement) increases the speed of its tip! So if you play with impact, try with small moves before increasing momentum: 2 time faster = 4 times harder, 3 times faster = 9 times harder. So you should increase very gradually the amount of force and speed of your moves if you don't want to injure your partner. 

It’s a thin line from pleasant to painful. Try it beforehand.

You will need "safe words", but those are not enoughIt is mandatory totry blank” and learn the ropes (pun not intended) before you actually introduce "physical kink" into your sexual interactions.

This is why the world of BDSM is full of associations and professionals: tools can be expensive, and the indispensable skill set can be quite extensive depending on your fantasies and desires. However the BDSM world is full of lovely people who will happily share their knowledge and welcome newcomers in their midst.

Important note: some people with fetishise about "impact play", without fantasising about pain or actual impact. It can be:

  • The visual effect of the material or shape of those tools (the aesthetics of leather crops, floggers or whips)
  • The position and moves of the gesture
  • The symbolic of the situation (this will be more of a D/S fantasy)

So if one of you fantasises about impact, you should explore what exactly is the object of the fantasy, before trying actual impact. Sometimes you enacting a kinky fantasy can be easier than you think - and may not need any actual kinky action. Example: to some, flogging their partner with a feather duster is the perfect embodiment of their kinky impact fetish.

 

3. Domination and submission

If you want to do some domination / submission play in your sex life, you will need to have a very long and important conversation about it, some time before you enact it - without feeling any pressure. My advice :

  • Think, separately, of what scenarii you wold like, and then compare your respective D/S kinks - so that you don't get caught up in the other's enthusiasm and accept something that is hard for you. Then, agree on something and make sure of mutual consent.
  • Go progressively. Learn to walk before you run. 
  • Specially, if you want to play with pain, with power, and/or with sextry them independently before mixing them together: try some impact play without D/S; and some role play without pain; and each without sex before mixing them together. Learn those separately, see what is comfortable or not. 
  • Safety first. Have a previous agreement about what you are going to experiment, set safe words, time limits... Go progressively. 

Practically:

  1. Each of you, separately, list a series of scenarii, situations, that turn each of you on. Be as precise and visual as possible (and imagine which role you would like). Write them down
  2. Make an appointment, and exchange your list with your partner. Make sure to have the time and are not disturbed. Discuss the different scenarios, and explicitly state if it is "Very exciting", "I'd like to try", or "No Way".
  3. Respect each other's limits and boundaries, and don't push them. Maybe something that is "off-limits" this time will be "possible" after a few sessions where they feel safe and have fun. Pushing each other's boundaries will result in disaster. 
  4. Write those down - you can even make a "contract". 
  5. Also write down "safe words". The most usual are: "Green"= go on; "Orange" = slow down (I want to stay in the game, but this is getting too hard for me); "Red" = stop everything.
  6. Prepare for situations that do not allow for words to be pronounced (gags, oral sex, some discipline situations...) - envision other means of communicating your limits. And remember that sometimes one will not say the word even though they are pushing their own limits, so prepare to be very alert.
  7. Set a time and space limit to your scenario. 

And once you go for it :

  • Make sure everyone is still willing ad enthusiastic, before starting
  • Do not deviate from your initial scenario (never do things that were not agreed upon).
  • Obviously, respect a "no" and safe words. 
  • Be very mindful of each other's reactions. Sometimes your partner will not say they are uncomfortable for their own reasons, be responsible for each other's safety.
  • Be mindful of yourself, your own sensations and emotions. Do not "push yourself" - out of pride, or out of your will to please. This should always be fun and pleasant.
  • Do not put high stakes on this particular session. You will have other opportunities later to try something else, or push the envelope a little further. 

Of course, once everybody has had fun and both want to go further, you can expand the frontiers of your playing. You will go further with baby steps than with a huge jump into the extreme. 

Beware that "50 shades" is an abusive relationship, not an "enlightened" consensual BDSM relationship. Most people in the BDSM scene will tell you that this is the opposite of what they do - to them, mutual respect and self-respect is paramount. Do NOT try to emulate pop culture, go to actual amateurs for guidance.

 

4. Other fetishes: role-play, visual, situational... or creative compromise!

Role-playing can be fun in general. You don't need it to be "D/S",though. You can play the role of teenagers eloping, or play with costumes, or play the roles of professions (nurse/patient...).

Sometimes, our kinks are just situational. It may be:

  • Costumes (high heels, lingerie, disguise...), or materials (latex, leather...). Those can be fun and varied !
  • Situations (in public, at the office, under water...). the most common kink is having sex while being at risk of being spotted. This too, will require talking about the actual risk, situation, and a bit of planning.
  • Environment (forest, beach, luxurious hotel suite...)
  • Unusual sensations (cold, warm, playing with food, mud bath...)
  • Visual (wearing special makeup, seeing some toys or tools...)
  • Role inversion (playing each other's role)
  • Role-play (either both playing a situation; or one partner playing a special role - such as nurse or astronaut...)
  • Sexual practices that are unusual for one or both (e.g. sodomy...)
  • Multiple partners... which opens a whole other pandora"s box!

Usually, those are relatively safe, but be sure that both are completely comfortable and make sure they can withdraw. 

Compromise & creativity:

Sometimes, one partner's actual kink (the fantasy they would like to enact) is "too hard" for the other, but this one wants to indulge somehow. There can be creative ways of finding such a "kinky situation without actual pain or risk". Examples:

  • If I want to whip you, and you want to indulge but you don't want pain, I can "spank" you with a feather duster... 
  • If you want to watch me perform a fellatio and I don't want a penis in my mouth, maybe I can do it on a banana...
  • Maybe you would like a D/S situation, but are very afraid of feeling ashamed and need some positive, respectful way to enact the scene...

 

5. Mental and relational safety...

Harping on it: apart from safety, there is one most important rule: consent. Consent means that both (or all) people involved want something to happen. True consent is: 

  • informed,
  • unbound,
  • enthusiastic,
  • ongoing, and reversible.

That means both agree on what is going to happen, are happy about it, do not feel an “obligation”, and both are enjoying it all along – and partners will adjust if something is uncomfortable for the other, or stop if something feels wrong.

When playing roles in a kinky scenario, sometimes “no” or “mercy” are part of the game, hence the “safety words” to interrupt the interaction or moderate the game - and alternate ways to inform the partner that what is happening is too much for you.

In any case, consent and safety means:

  • Any “pure fantasy” is OK – however weird it may appear. Our fantasies are usually strange, and they often feel very shameful. But they are an elaborate balance mechanism to keep us sane. If you like fantasizing about sex slaves and ritual bloodbaths, as long as it’s just in your imagination, it IS completely OK! Actually, fantasy is necessary!
  • Any practice that both/all enjoy is OK (as long as it does not put you in danger).
  • Trying something new is good, but needs safety. If you and your partner want to try some role-play or BDSM, go for it and play safe! If it is your first time, you need to be able to communicate all along that everything is still OK for both (e.g. “safe words”).
  • If you have a desire for something, and your partner does not want that, you have a problem. You will need to find a compromise – the best one being finding, together, another way to satisfy both your desire and their boundaries. But that will be a matter for another course.

 

5. A few side notes:

Whether you are kinky or not, listening to your partner and sharing pleasure is paramount. So most of what I teach here at Orgasm Lovers can be useful for any blueprint, and most practices. 

Guiding you into the world of kink is not my expertise (it is not my own blueprint) - and it shouldn't be done online anyway. There are many people, associations, and businesses that offer exploration into those. Don't be afraid to browse: the variety of human fantasies is immense, and most of those who practice BDSM only practice a small portion of what exists in the repertoire of kinky fantasies. Go to them. They are usually very helpful and open-minded. And never expect that you are limited, listen to your instincts, and don't settle.

In my opinion and experience, reading is not enough to understand how those things work. Learning how to handle things is made by experience, trying, training, practicing.

A common media trope is that if your sex life is unsatisfying, just add some kink – this is of course untrue and harmful. You should never do something that makes you (or your partner) uncomfortable, or hurt you. 

Another common trope is that “kink is superior, vanilla is boring” ("vanilla" means: "not BDSM"). It is absolutely untrue. However diverse the “kink” world may be, there is infinite variety in allerotic blueprints”, infinite variations inside each practice, and an amazing amount of pleasure to have in all forms of sex. In fact, if someone defines kinky as being "superior", they are trying to manipulate you, and that is a huge red flag. Bigotry exists everywhere, including in the kink scene. but most people I have met in the kinky world never shamed others for being "vanilla", or monogamous, or anything. 

Actually, I have discovered that just one practice can unveil infinite orgasms, if you just delve into its subtle nuances and refine your understanding. This is where the size of your expertise really matters.

 

Questions:

  • Have you tried to explore some "kinky fantasies"? How was it? 
    • Were there fantasies that you explored and were actually disappointing? 
    • Were there fantasies that you could have explored, and you did not take the occasion then, and you have regrets now? 
    • Are there fantasies that you reluctantly explored, and found they were actually stimulating and you are grateful for your adventurousness? 
  • Do you have experience with a partner with a very different erotic desires, and having to navigate and negotiate to find compatibility? Did you succeed? How was it? 
    • Do you have special issues or need help in finding the right  compromise in your fantasies/kinks?
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