Average reading time: 8-9 minutes.
This is a common complaint, especially from men.
There is a classic tale that “women lose interest in sex after a couple of years, much sooner than men”. Well, it is statistically true... but it is not a fatality. As Esther Perel says “women do not get bored of sex, they lose interest in the kind of sex they are offered”.
Indeed, why would one do something one has already done, if it’s not really enjoyable?
On the other hand, if it is a fulfilling activity, that creates pleasant sensations and emotions, why would one lose interest?
However... If you are already in a relationship where there is an imbalance in desire, it may be for many reasons, and your sexual expertise may not even be the main one – though it will play a part. There is seldom a single reason for a decrease in sexual desire, and trying to say "it's definitely this or that" would be... disrespectful.
Anyway, I don't think "why?" is as relevant as "what can I do?". Depending on the reasons that make her low on libido, a few things you could do that may CHANGE this situation :
Note on grammar and meaning: for simplicity, I am writing this in the perspective of men whose female partner has lost interest in sexual intimacy, which is the most common case, but this can work for most people in most relationships.
Important note: a loss of desire can also be a symptom of other relationship problems, so also check if there are deep-seated relationship issues.
1. First things first: make sex more pleasant for HER.
Men who want their female partner to desire sex should strive to make sex an experience so enjoyable for her that she will not lose interest no matter what. And my first advice for those is: “learn, listen, care”:
- Learn about pleasing women in sex (not in porn!); learn about the female body; learn about arousal; learn about what you can do to make it more enjoyable for HER... And indeed, you are in the right place. Also, try to learn her specific preferences, her desires, her fantasies...
- Listen to her cues and desires, find out what makes her desire rise, try to find out her preferences, what makes things enjoyable or not, her turn-ons and turn-offs...
- Care for her pleasure. Sex is SHARING ! Have the mindset that you are not asking for your sexual satisfaction, but proposing an interaction where you will show how you care for her, wanting to make HER feel good, fill her with pleasure, express your feelings, give her your love.
A great part of our society wants us to think that sex is a selfish endeavor, or even a violent one.
Porn show us sex that is seldom if ever likely to pleasure a woman (see the link for the technical issues), and they usually portray it like an act of contempt, not love. Sex should not be selfish, it should not be harmful, it should not be mechanical.
There is no fate to women’s sexual dissatisfaction... except that most men don’t learn! Sex is a human activity – an interaction, therefore a form of communication. No activity is innate; no-one is good at something if they don’t learn, if they don’t try, if they don’t improve.
Caveat: you can bring a horse to water, but cannot make it drink. If someone does not want to share something with you, does not want to improve an area of life which is important to you, there may be a deep issue. If you are investing time, efforts, and energy in the relationship, and you feel that the efforts are one-sided, maybe it is time for you to consider what you want to do with that relationship.
However... even if you do begin to learn and improve, her current level of desire may not give you much opportunity to show your improvement in the matter of understanding her body. Which is all the more difficult, that all people are different, and one should definitely practice with the one partner they want to satisfy. Which is the matter of the next few points.
2. Changing the energy, the mood of the relationship.
This means changing the way you talk to her, about her, and about sex.
Get back to seducing her! Many people, most people, stop seducing once the relationship is official. Our culture shows us that marriage is the end of the movie. Well, it’s not. It’s a new chapter, and desire needs us to fan its flames. If your spouse doesn’t feel like you are an object of desire, you need to change the mood of the relationship.
Examples of things you can do to re-ignite your partner’s desire :
- Taking care of your appearance. If you look like a dirty comfy blanket, you will not be exciting.
- Taking her to a place that she does not know – a place that is exciting to her, beautiful (be it a restaurant, a country, or a park...). Telling her it's a surprise. Refuse to "spoil the mystery". Ideally, the place where you take her, is something that has appealed to her, you noticed in the past.
- Talking to her in a way that speaks of sex, without speaking of sex. "You are so beautiful today. It reminds me of that day, remember..." and talk of an instance, in the past, where you felt passion and made love.
- Adding some distance – not by being distant and aloof, which is NOT sexy, but by adding some air, some room for “breathing” separately. Spending some time apart, so that she can think of you when you are not there. Seduction happens in her head when she does not see you around, and imagines you by remembering the good times and imagining the future based on those... and comparing with the (worse) time when you are not.
3. Changing the way you speak of your desire for sex :
Sex is desirable when it is playful. On the other hand, if one thinks one is doing a chore, or doing something for charity, there will be no motivation... and no pleasure (our state of mind influences our experience). You should never beg, or propose quid pro quo.
You should make your sexual activities look like a “shiny object” for her (you don’t ask sex for you, you propose for her, and a no is not your loss, but hers) – I know it is very hard.
A few ideas:
- Asking her what she likes in sex, BUT at a moment when it is crystal clear that it is not your intention (you are leaving after that dinner...) – otherwise, your question will be interpreted as yet another attempt at pleading for satisfaction.
- Proposing trying something new (ideally, what you learned in the previous part). But this proposal is made at a moment when you cannot try it: it will be something we will try next Friday if you want? Take an appointment for it.
- Saying you have learned new skills and information about sexually pleasing a woman (it has to be TRUE – but you are in the right place), and that you may show her... if she asks - and not today anyway. (Not in the domineering way, but the playful one: you know she will like that, but she has to work a little bit for it, so that it is more enjoyable... like when we are playing).
- LEARN about sex and female pleasure (you are in the right place)
- By the way, while talking about the way you speak of sex... When the vocabulary used to mention an activity makes it sound dirty or demeaning, it may also make it less appealing, so you might want to think of the words you use (more details in the link).
By the way, never initiate sex when it’s late in the evening – we are tired, not in the mood for something stimulating.
4. Changing the way you speak of her.
Do not let your partner feel like a comfy blanket. People, and especially women, feel more desire if they feel desirable.
- Say less. Especially, all things that are complaints, or talk of everyday chores... make them weight less.
- Don't state the obvious (we all do that).
- Tell her she is sexy, not like a trite compliment, but like it’s a surprise to you, the way one feels at the early stages of a relationship, when you marvel at seeing the other person.
You are not granted. She might loose you. She is not granted. You are surprised and delighted to see her.
There are plenty of little things that may make her feel there is something mysterious (i.e. exciting) about you, her, the relationship, what might happen.
5. Changing your relationship to yourself.
If you are excited about yourself, about things you do, things that happen in your life, you will be more empowered and sexy. Esther Perel states that we turn ourselves on when our partner is connected to their most powerful self.
I know it's not easy, especially when your relationship is in the doldrums.
If you can, find a hobby, something that makes you feel passionate and joyful; do things that make you feel good, and feel good about yourself. Then, it is when you have just practiced that hobby that you will be most sexy. This is the moment when the previous ideas will be most useful and powerful.
If I feel like a passionate, powerful, sexy person, and I say to my loved one: “you are so sexy today”, without begging, just stating I am lucky to be with her, she will feel lucky to be the object of my attention and admiration. If I am oozing with joy and passion, my partner will feel a desire to join me in my emotions and feelings, to feed of that energy that I’m feeling.
6. Changing your habits ! Habits have more power than one spectacular action !
A relationship is like a fire. A fire needs both wood and air: too much wood will smother it, not enough will starve it to extinction.
- Each of you needs time to themselves, dedicated to their passion, to what makes them unique. We all need to connect to our individual self without the influence of the other. Most cases of adultery are due to one partner wanting to reconnect to their own desire. You are most sexy when you glow with satisfaction for something you are passionate about!
- You also need some time apart to think of the other, to realize why you like each other, and feel why you craved to connect and share with each other in the first place. Fusion makes us blind to each other’s qualities. Falling in love is when you fantasize about someone in their absence.
- You need quality time together. Washing the dishes is not quality time. You need time dedicated to shared pleasure – that includes sexuality of course, but also all sorts of things that you are happy to share with someone you love! Planning vacations. Doing something exciting. Going out of everyday chores.
- You need conscious reminders of what you have shared. Solidarity builds with shared hardships and overcoming difficulties.
More than anything else, you need habits for each of those points.
Having a weekly date with one another, a shared meal without interruption (use the magic app on your phone: the “off” button!). Some dates that are dedicated exclusively to the other, to that precious relationship between you.
Just like going to the gym: if you don’t make it a habit, you will not do it, and you will not benefit. Same goes with your dates: if you don’t plan them, something will get in the way, and you will postpone until it’s too late and you only see each other as the one who is supposed to wash the dishes.
Those are some of the pointers for a successful long-term relationship – and a sexual one. There are many more.
My questions:
- Is this something you have encountered, in your relationships or in others?
- Is this important to you?
- Is this something I should cover more regularly?
- What are the three main lessons you learned here? What are you going to implement as a result?