sex talks

Last updated on May 18, 2022

Average reading time: 6 minutes

As I mentioned before, talking about sex is useful, in fact it is essential if you want it to be pleasant. The first step is talking about what you like, what you prefer, before any interaction, which I explained in a previous article.

It is also useful to comment and redirect “on the spot” – both to be able to make the experience more pleasurable for both of you, and to improve future interactions.

And, after an interaction, you can learn and share to make it better next time.

This constant feedback loop is key in improving your sex life, and not losing touch with each other.

1. Communication while making love : listening is key. 

During sex is the time when words should be scarce - but not absent.

First thing : LISTEN. Her breath and moans will guide you. A sudden change of breath will tell you something happened; this is the opportunity to ask “Do you like that? Shall I continue here? Faster? Softer?” The answer will be short, and the question should be short too. Don’t ask for whole sentences, and follow her instructions (follow the link for more on the instructions manual).

Also, make sure that the ‘leader’ role moves from one to the other seamlessly. The best way to give direction to a dance is to show by taking the lead. It doesn't have to be formal, when the two are in harmony it happens without the need for a transition.

But sometimes it can be useful to interrupt each other to point out what could be better (or, of course, if something is not pleasant). Give yourself permission – and give it to each other. "If what I'm doing isn't working for you, or if you need me to change something, please interrupt me and tell me what I can do to make this time together the most enjoyable for both of us," because make no mistake, the more enjoyable it is for her, the more enjoyable it is for you.

2. Communicating after sex is extremely important

I do not recommend the satisfied “so, are you happy?” once you have ejaculated. There is a reason why this is a cliché: it gives the impression that we have not paid attention to her during the interaction (the concern comes too late), and suggests that her satisfaction is the result of ours. As a matter of fact, ejaculation is not the end of the interaction.

There are three things you can do:

  1. Making sure everyone is satisfied – and if you are a man, and your partner is not satisfied, it is not the end of the world, you can still make things pleasant for her.
  2. Enjoying the bond, the bliss of having shared a pleasant moment together and for each other, especially if your relationship is lasting and caring. In any case, I would recommend at least acknowledging the fact that you shared something important.
  3. Sharing feedback in order to make things even more pleasant the next times. This moment is the time to focus on positive feedback - like: "I really enjoyed it when you did this and said that; let's do it again next time. And maybe, next time, let's try this thing, what do you think?”

A. Enjoying the afterglow

Making love is also what the phrase says: it is an action to make your feelings come true. The moments after an orgasm are the best time to say “I love you”, or even better, to cuddle together and whisper tender words to each other.

Cuddling, staying close after orgasm is a perfect moment to show and feel intimacy and loving feelings, and confirm the meaning we have given to sexual fusion.

Some people feel uncomfortable staying physically in contact after orgasm. If you are one of those, if you would not like to linger against her body, you should however find a way to make her know that you care, that it is a relationship, and that you acknowledge that you shared something intimate and important. If you don't want to keep physical contact, you can explain that this is your preference, and that it doesn't affect your love.

Women often have their feelings hurt when men just separate and turn away, or fall asleep just after intercourse. At worst, it sort of makes them feel like a used tissue, a convenience used and cast away. This is obviously related to the way society conditions the relationship between men and women, but the effects on feelings are very real - and can be to your benefit or detriment.  So, even if you feel that you need to be physically separated, show her love and consideration with your words. It will not cost anything, and will prevent hurt feelings.

B. Making sure she is satisfied, and fulfilling her needs if need be.

An advanced lover would try and know if his partner has had enough pleasure. Sometimes your own climax happened too soon - that’s not a catastrophe, it doesn’t have to be. One can give pleasure even when the penis is not available - and sometimes the psychological satisfaction of the shared act is more important than the physical enjoyment. In any case, a caring lover will make sure that their partner is satisfied. That would be the opportunity to show that you are not selfish, that you care for her, and the opportunity to demonstrate your skills and knowledge.

If she knows that she can rely on you to pleasure her no matter what, you will be the most valued lover of all times - and then, you will never have to fear that she would leave you out of frustration. If you are interested in special courses on how to please a woman without using a penis, please email me with the subject “pleasure without penis”.

C. Making things even better the next time around.

After the shared orgasms, it is often the perfect time to make her know what you enjoyed most. If there is something you wish her to do more often, don’t tell it like a demand, just comment, right after, “what you did right there when you did this movement? That was amazing for me”. The message will not be unheard. After an orgasm is usually the moment when someone feels the most grateful, open to the willingness to please the person you love.

Also ask her what she liked, what she would like to have next time. Again, this is a moment of intimacy and trust: you have just strengthened your relationship, contributed to its construction - making love. And, this is a good time to check that the next bricks in your construction are symmetrical and solid.

If you are in a loving and romantic relationship, right after sex is not necessarily the moment to comment on sexual practices in detail, or to make a wish list or a criticism – only to point out and remember the best parts and take notes for the next time. (And please, by all means avoid beginning a conversation about everyday problems right away).

If it's a "sex-only" relationship, and you're both there just for the fun of it, make sure you don't turn this into a "self-congratulatory speech", or a sports commentary. My advice is this: just mention a couple of things she did that were most enjoyable for you. The message will not fall on deaf ears. And of course, encourage her to confide in you in a reciprocal way.

If the relationship is “friends with benefits”, this debriefing is the best time to ask her what she enjoyed the most, and learn your best practices, which you can build on in the future. The shared pleasure and orgasm usually puts both of you in the mood to encourage both sincerity and indulgence in your comments, which is the best way to learn.

Then; ideally you should talk about the 'session' later, and discuss in a little more detail over dinner, and consider what you might want to do on a future date. And this advice applies equally to romantic and monogamous relationships, as well as to purely physical partners. In either case, you'll probably want there to be a next time, and for each time to be even more pleasurable than the last - or at least for the trend to be towards more and more pleasure and joy in sharing wonderful orgasms.  

Your input :

  • What are the parts you stumble upon when communicating during or after sex?
  • Do you have special issues about this kind of conversation?
  • Do you have special practices or tips to get or give feedback?

Please let me know in the comments.

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